my self discovery journey (the origin)

Let's set the scene.

I was at an event with my parents. There was like 1 person my age there and she was talking about the things she was doing -- her life, her friends, her schooling, her travels. You know how older adults will ask for the surface level things, right? She had answers to all of those questions and she was on some level excited to talk about them (as much as a 20 something year old can tell adults their parents age haha). As I sat there, I got more and more uncomfortable. Just wanting to disappear and go to my room (my safe place) and be alone like I'm used to. Did I give some vague answers? Yeah, but I couldn't give any answers that I felt good about. Nothing I said felt right or exciting or me.

We left and the car ride home felt, honestly awful. I felt so sad and all I could think was "wow, another great interaction, huh?" Obviously very sarcastic. I felt so gross and had so much shame about myself and my life. I wasn't doing anything I felt was worth sharing. In the past, I would've talked about my job or the community choir I'm in and felt proud of those things, but those things had lost some of their sparkle for me. I worked at a courthouse, which people seem to think is interesting, but honestly it's just like doing admin work somewhere else. Yes, there are some crazy stories, but in the sector I worked in most of those stories are extremely sad. So that felt like it was out and my parents tell everyone I sing. Of course, the shock and then wow that's so interesting and that's about it. Unless someone asks me to sing in this random Dave and Busters, which I would've politely laughed off and said no. (Yes, people have done that to me my whole life. Imma be real, it's very annoying. I'm not trying to sing professionally. Come to a community choir show and you'll hear it. Oh, but you don't want to do that. So it's sing monkey sing... I digress lmao)

Anyway, the next day I woke up still frustrated with myself and with my life. All morning, I was lost in my head trying to figure out why I couldn't shake this feeling or these spiraling thoughts.

"Stop. Stop what you're doing and actually think. This feeling obviously isn't going away so what's causing it"

I had to stop everything. Stop going through the motions, stop pushing through the day like normal, just stop. After a period of tracing my thoughts back and asking myself questions, I found the issue. Not only did I feel like I had nothing to talk about, but I honestly didn't know what it was that I actually wanted to be able to talk about. I just felt sad that I didn't know and also jealous that someone younger than me seemed to have figured it out. This was not the first time I had a thought like this, but in the past, I would've ignored it until it went away. Unfortunately for me in that moment, but fortunately now, that was the catalyst for me wanting to figure it out. 

If you've heard me talk about the start of this journey, you've heard me reference the "moment at the top of the stairs". This was that moment. I stopped at the top of the stairs at my parent's house and just talked to myself. I had to be very direct because I would've avoided having a real conversation if I could. If I could just push it down, it wasn't there. (This was before I started therapy for real, so I didn't know haha.)

I spoke out loud to myself and eventually just asked "What do you want? You're complaining about all these things but you're not doing anything to change them, so what could you possibly want?" Silence. "I want to change my life. I don't ever want to feel like that again. I want to live a life I can be proud of..." (Thank you "My Days" from the Notebook Musical and various other media for spurring this thought.) That was that. I made a decision at the top of the stairs that I was going to live my life on purpose. Not just coast by or do what society tells me I "should", but live my life. Make mistakes, meet people, travel, just truly live.

It's so funny how that happened. I felt like I couldn't leave that spot until I figured out what was going on. I stood there and just talked to myself until that feeling went away. The second I made that decision, it felt like a barrier had just opened, metaphorically in my head but also physically in my body. I went down to the kitchen and was excited to start figuring things out. I started making myself some breakfast and decided that I wanted to recorded a voice note. I wanted to document the decision I made for myself, so I could look back in a year and say "I'm so happy I decided." During that voice note, one of the craziest moments in my life happened. It was like the universe was saying "YES!" (Check out my youtube channel - gabs.helianth - to hear this whole story and part of the voice note. It's in the Unboxing video and I think the synchronicities are pretty cool)

Time moves forward as it always does and more question appeared. Where and how was I gonna start. Like great you decided that but now what? I started seeing and finding questions and quotes online to help me start understanding myself. I saved these in various places -- my notes app, social media, Pinterest, everywhere, and I realized that having these things everywhere was not helpful. It actually was making it more difficult. I am a very organized and analytical person, so having my thoughts everywhere was not it. I wished there was a place for all of these thoughts, and thus Identity Quest (the start of the Identity Quest series) was born.

There's much more to this story, but that was the catalyst of discovering who I am. If you get nothing else from this story, I hope you take the time to get to know who you actually are. Outside of all the external factors, who are you and what do you want out of this life? It's a life long journey, but wow is it beautiful.

Stay Curious,

~ Gabs